Thursday, April 26, 2018

what's it feel like to be a ghost?

I feel like I want to properly address why I decided to leave Japan. Some may already know and some may have no idea, but I just want to put it out there. The easiest way to understand why I left is if you know why I went back to Japan.

After I studied abroad in Tokyo, I knew I wanted to go back because I felt like I wasn't done with Japan. I wanted to explore more of it, keep the friends I made, and travel to other parts of Asia. That was one reason. The other reason was that I had strict parents that wanted to control me and so I thought moving to the other side of the world was a good way to get the space I needed. So, I left.

I saved up money and moved to Japan, to see if I could finish what I started and to be on my own and live my life the way I wanted to. And it worked, I got to travel, get my tattoos, meet awesome people, and make great memories.

My goal was to go to Tokyo after my two year contracted ended, but I realized teaching wasn't the job I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I don't hate it, but I didn't want to do it. And I lost motivation to improve my Japanese because I was at a level where I was could get by and still have friends. So, with me not wanting to teach English anymore and me not having any motivation to improve my Japanese to get another job besides teaching, I knew it was just time to leave.

Japan has also changed in the most recent years compared to when I studied abroad and though I love it, it's different and it just wasn't where I wanted to be anymore. I was ready for a change.


I have an idea of what is the next step I want to take, but my commitment issues keeps me from doing it lol. I'm not sure if I'm ready to settle down and get a full time job, try to get a house, and build my life. Part of me still wants to travel, and just be a "free spirit" as my little sister would call me. But, I am also tired of moving and want to have a place I can call my own.

I honestly don't know what's the next step. I am stuck between two choices at the moment but whichever happens, they'll both be good. So, one day at a time.

Photos by: earlstanderford

Wednesday, April 25, 2018


Wow, it's been a while. This is probably the longest I have gone without writing here. Which sucks, because a lot has happened and I know my shitty memory won't be able to recall most of it. Well, let's start with the most recent events...

I am back in the states, and I am extremely happy. (I want to eventually write a proper post about why I decided to leave Japan.) It was definitely the right time to come back, and living with my sister makes a world of a difference on my mental health. It's still hard being around my mother, but for the most part because we don't live together it's better.

I have been doing things. I said I wanted a change with my look, I've been wanting it since last year tbh. And I did it, I changed my look. Cut my hair and dyed it rose gold. I wanted to go shorter but the hair stylist was freaking out because she's known me since forever and I've always had long hair so she was nervous I would regret it lol. Maybe next time.


I recently went out to Colorado to visit some of my friends from Okinawa, more specifically Thomas and Earl. It was nice to see them, and shoot with Earl because I love his work. We shot in Japan, but it was more hanging that shooting but this time it was more shooting which was nice.

I like shooting with Earl because he challenges me. He only shoots in film which is completely different from digital because you basically only have a few shots to get it right. Whereas digital, you can take as many photos as you like. Also, his work is completely different from what I usually shoot (which is more sexy stuff.) I've been wanting to shoot other stuff besides that, like artsy or sensual. I love shooting like that as well, but that's not the only thing I want to shoot. So, it's been a breath of fresh air.

Things are changing. I'm going to post here again.

Photos by: earlstanderford