Monday, December 24, 2018

2018 reflection.

Wow, it's that time of the year again. 2018 was by far one of the hardest years for me, but also the most rewarding. Coming back to the states was the right decision, but it didn't change the fact that it was hard to readjust to life here. That was seriously the hardest thing for me. But with the help of my family and my friends, I was able to keep myself focused and ended up getting on track,

It was nice to spend time with my family, I missed them a lot in Japan and it made me realize I probably won't want to move far away from them again. I also did a pretty cool part time job, and found an awesome temp job that I overall enjoy.

I made the decision to go back to school, and though I know it's going to be difficult I am excited for what is to come.

So, what are some things I learned this year?

Trust yourself. Sometimes you tend to freak out, overanalyzing everything, worried if you're going to fuck things up or make them worse. Just know, that sometimes you just gotta take that leap of faith, and trust that you are making the best decision for you at that moment. And that should be enough. 
Learn to love yourself. I feel like this has been on here before, maybe not. Or maybe this was something I've known for a while. Don't think so little of yourself, know that you are worth more. You're not broken or fucked up, and you deserve to be happy. I feel like this will be an ongoing lesson though. 
Put yourself first. Sometimes you tend to be a pushover because you want to make other people happy or you don't want to hurt their feelings. Try to stop that, you tend to do it too much and hurt yourself in the process. Learn to speak your mind, if someone is making you feel uncomfortable, tell them. If you don't want to do something, say it. Don't wait until it builds up, do it before then. You're not going to please everyone, you shouldn't have to.

This year was hard, but also so rewarding. I honestly have so many good memories. Unfortunately, I didn't write them all down here. But hopefully next year I can start writing on here again. I honestly  enjoyed 2018, it was really hard for me mentally, probably the hardest but I feel like I've become stronger because of it. And I am looking forward to what 2019 has in store. Fingers crossed they're good things.

Saturday, December 8, 2018

lucky twenty-seven.

Hey it's been a while. So let's do a quick recap of what's been going on! These photos are from one of my birthday outings for my 27th birthday. I was turning 27 on the 27th, so my family/friends wanted to do something nice. I went to Oak Glen, where it actually has a proper fall and enjoyed the changing of colors.

So what's been new, besides me turning 27? I decided to go to school for web development, and will be beginning in January. I am so happy with my decision. Doing the pre-work is already getting me excited for the program. 

What else? I am working a temp job as an accounting assistant. It was random, but I enjoy the company I work at, I am learning a lot, I enjoy my coworkers, and plus it's nice to have a job! I forgot how different it is to work in U.S. compared to Japan. I have pastel purple/pink hair and my bosses don't care. Tattoos? Not a problem! I can show them, and several other coworkers have tattoos as well in the office. I also forgot about "Casual Fridays" where we can wear jeans to work, but this company is even more chill where I can wear hoodies as well! Hell, you don't even have to wait until Friday to wear jeans. It's such a nice difference. 

That was part of the reason why I didn't want to stay in Japan, it was tiring to always hide myself and not look how I wanted, even if it was just a hair color or having tattoos not be a taboo.

I still have some ups and downs, but overall I am having more ups. I am doing well with the goals I set and I am looking forward to next year. Until then, I am going to make the most of this remaining year.

Oh, I also went to a lot of shows. I really need to catch you guys up! Hopefully soon. But this is the gist of it. Hope you all are doing well!

Tuesday, August 7, 2018


Wow, I'm a professional at abandoning this blog. In my defense, I have been going through a rough patch. These have been overall good, for the most part. It's just, some things such as career wise I'm still confused as fuck with what I'm doing. Which, it's a big deal. So with me being so unsure about my future career plans, my concerns seems to bleed into the other areas of my life making me a ball of anxiety.

Luckily, I have supportive friends and family trying to help me through it. But really, all I want to do is curl up in my bed, sleep the day away, while depressing music is playing in the background. Which, let's face it, it would probably make the situation worse.

Well, at least I'm going to see TBS and TSSF next weekend. Hope everyone is doing great, and hopefully better than I am haha. Oh, and happy August.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

swing, swing.

Wednesday, May 9th, 2018

I swear it felt like I was just posting about how it just became is honestly freaking me out how quickly time is going by. I thought this just happened when you're working but even now time goes by quickly. I think the only difference is that the days start to blur.

I've recently started looking for a job, probably should've done it sooner tbh but I didn't want to. I wanted to enjoy my time with my sisters and see what it is like to live in SoCal without my parents. It makes a big difference.

So here I am, applying to jobs...everywhere. Literally, no state is off limits. Hmm...well, maybe some. But for the most part, they are open. I just want a job to get my foot into the door of what I really want to do.

I always forget how stressful job hunting is. Fixing up your resume and cover letter, waiting for a callback, getting a callback and setting up an interview, the interview, interview #2, and waiting to see if you got the job. And then, even if you get the job, it's stressful af because everything is new and you have to settle in. It's all exhausting. But hey, it could be my anxiety talking.

My sisters don't want me to leave to another state or even to Northern CA and it's giving me more stress. I don't want to leave either, but I need to be responsible and do what's best for me if I do get offered a job in any of those locations.

My older sister tells me I should 'follow my heart' and do what I really want to do. My little sister says I should 'wait for a job I really want' and they are making me doubt myself. I was so sure of my decision but they are making me feel bad. I know it's not intentional and they just want me to stay, but I barely discovered what I want to do and what I need to get there...I have to work for it, everyone does. And these jobs will help me with that.

My little sister is more understanding but my older sister isn't. Hopefully as time goes on, they will get better with it. And hopefully it won't affect me so much.

Photos by: tangerineyum

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

hidden mickey's and good company.

Went on a spur of the moment trip to Disneyland with my sister and her bf. I love hanging out with them from time to time because when I'm with them I don't feel like the third wheel. Could also be because he feels like he's already my brother-in-law. He's always trying to get me to socialize more, even if it's just with them.

This was the first time I went to Disneyland since I've been back. They have a special for pass holders to buy discounted tickets. I took advantage, I've been wanting to go on the new Guardians of the Galaxy ride. I was bummed to initially find out they were changing it from Tower of Terror, but now, I'm happy they did. It's much more fun.

We just chilled, ate, went on some rides, and enjoyed each other's company. It was a good day.

This weekend will consists of hopefully getting my hair more pink, another photo shoot, and Deadpool 2 with my dad.

Monday, June 4, 2018

hello june.

Am I tripping out that it is already the month of June? Yes. Am I excited though? Definitely. June is by far my busiest month. Since coming back to the states I've been super busy. But June is booked to no end.

My little sister and her boyfriend are graduating from grad school. And I'm super excited. I cannot wait. They want me to take grad pics for them and then my sister and I are planning to go on another road trip to NorCal, but this time the coast. And I've been dying to go do another road trip.

Lots of shoots are also in the making. I am booked for all my weekends in June and have some tentative shoot plans in July as well!

The last Warped Tour is also happening in June. Super stoked to be seeing all these amazing bands, especially excited for All Time Low, The Amity Affliction, Movements, and State Champs. There are other bands my friend is trying to get me to check out as well. I can't wait!

Andddd last but not least, I am restarting my sleeve. I cannot wait! I am so excited to finish it. It has been a long time coming.

Lots of plans in the making. I honestly can't wait. Lots of stuff happened in May too, still need to write about that. Next time!

Thursday, May 3, 2018

stay, i'll be your favorite mistake.

I can't believe it's already May, it doesn't seem too long ago that I came back to California. But already a little more than a month has passed...I'm still trying to figure out the next step though, I have an idea. I just keep over-thinking because that's something I always do. Mostly procrastinating because I don't feel like I'm ready to really adult.

Do you guys ever just stop and think about your age? I'm 26 and people are constantly telling me the things I need to do because I am going to hit the number 30 soon. I don't understand what's people's obsession with that age of 30 and the idea of you having your shit together then.

I still feel like I'm in my early to mid 20s; still stumbling through life, trying to figure out what's most important to me, trying to be responsible while trying to be happy. I honestly don't think I'll have my shit together by 30, and that's fine. My goal in life is to just be happy.


Title is not relevant to this post content, but to photo mood and who doesn't like Trophy Eyes? This is also my last set with Earl and I am so bummed because honestly he is one of my favorite photographers. I love the mood he creates in his photos.

Photos by: earlstanderford 

Thursday, April 26, 2018

what's it feel like to be a ghost?

I feel like I want to properly address why I decided to leave Japan. Some may already know and some may have no idea, but I just want to put it out there. The easiest way to understand why I left is if you know why I went back to Japan.

After I studied abroad in Tokyo, I knew I wanted to go back because I felt like I wasn't done with Japan. I wanted to explore more of it, keep the friends I made, and travel to other parts of Asia. That was one reason. The other reason was that I had strict parents that wanted to control me and so I thought moving to the other side of the world was a good way to get the space I needed. So, I left.

I saved up money and moved to Japan, to see if I could finish what I started and to be on my own and live my life the way I wanted to. And it worked, I got to travel, get my tattoos, meet awesome people, and make great memories.

My goal was to go to Tokyo after my two year contracted ended, but I realized teaching wasn't the job I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I don't hate it, but I didn't want to do it. And I lost motivation to improve my Japanese because I was at a level where I was could get by and still have friends. So, with me not wanting to teach English anymore and me not having any motivation to improve my Japanese to get another job besides teaching, I knew it was just time to leave.

Japan has also changed in the most recent years compared to when I studied abroad and though I love it, it's different and it just wasn't where I wanted to be anymore. I was ready for a change.


I have an idea of what is the next step I want to take, but my commitment issues keeps me from doing it lol. I'm not sure if I'm ready to settle down and get a full time job, try to get a house, and build my life. Part of me still wants to travel, and just be a "free spirit" as my little sister would call me. But, I am also tired of moving and want to have a place I can call my own.

I honestly don't know what's the next step. I am stuck between two choices at the moment but whichever happens, they'll both be good. So, one day at a time.

Photos by: earlstanderford

Wednesday, April 25, 2018


Wow, it's been a while. This is probably the longest I have gone without writing here. Which sucks, because a lot has happened and I know my shitty memory won't be able to recall most of it. Well, let's start with the most recent events...

I am back in the states, and I am extremely happy. (I want to eventually write a proper post about why I decided to leave Japan.) It was definitely the right time to come back, and living with my sister makes a world of a difference on my mental health. It's still hard being around my mother, but for the most part because we don't live together it's better.

I have been doing things. I said I wanted a change with my look, I've been wanting it since last year tbh. And I did it, I changed my look. Cut my hair and dyed it rose gold. I wanted to go shorter but the hair stylist was freaking out because she's known me since forever and I've always had long hair so she was nervous I would regret it lol. Maybe next time.


I recently went out to Colorado to visit some of my friends from Okinawa, more specifically Thomas and Earl. It was nice to see them, and shoot with Earl because I love his work. We shot in Japan, but it was more hanging that shooting but this time it was more shooting which was nice.

I like shooting with Earl because he challenges me. He only shoots in film which is completely different from digital because you basically only have a few shots to get it right. Whereas digital, you can take as many photos as you like. Also, his work is completely different from what I usually shoot (which is more sexy stuff.) I've been wanting to shoot other stuff besides that, like artsy or sensual. I love shooting like that as well, but that's not the only thing I want to shoot. So, it's been a breath of fresh air.

Things are changing. I'm going to post here again.

Photos by: earlstanderford

Friday, January 19, 2018

blank spaces.

I don't know when I started looking at the blank spaces 
of skin on my body and started thinking: "I need to get that tattooed." 
It's not that I don't like myself without tattoos, 
it's just weird seeing my skin for some reason. 
It just looks off to me.

Photos by bramantyaarief

Sunday, January 7, 2018

The start of 2018.

Okay, so time to talk about new resolutions. I totally forgot to mention last year's and if I did what I wanted. So let's review that. Last year, I wanted to continue to get tattooed, which I did. I got some lovely new leg tattoos, my knees being my favorites in 2017. I wanted to travel out of Japan, which I did as well! Cambodia and the Philippines which were great trips, and I still need to post about. Work hard to find a job I really want...funny how that happened in the last month. I figured out what job I will be aiming for in the states, and I'm going to work hard to try to achieve that. Last one was to make the most of my time and make memories, which I think I did. Maybe not so much my last 2-3 months because of work but I am overall content with what I did for 2017.

Now, let's go on to the 2018 resolutions:

Get a new look. I've been wanting some change. Maybe it's because I'm working a professional job, or the fact that I live in the Japanese countryside, but I want to change my look and do something different.  
Make the effort to meet up with friends. I have friends in different states in the U.S. and I always say I want to visit, but I never actually do it. I am going to make the effort to try to see some friends because they put the effort to see me. If I have the money, it will be one of the first things I'll do. 
Go to concerts more. Maybe it's because I've been deprived of going to concerts since moving to Japan due to working till 9pm weekdays so, I miss going to them! I went to TSSF last year, and it was a highlight of 2017. So, I want to try to go to some concerts again. 
Take care of my skin more. I recently went to Korea and bought some nice makeup and face masks. The face masks make your skin feel amazing and look it! I want to take care of my skin, because it feels nice to do it! 
Spend more time with my family. In 2017, a lot changed. My parents decided to get a divorce. It was a long time coming, but regardless it has changed things. So, I want to make an effort to try to build a relationship with my dad maybe, try to help my mom during this time, and spend some time with my sisters. I've been gone for 2 years, and I miss my sisters like crazy. 
Workout. Yes, the famous work out resolution. Which I hope to do when I go back to the states because it's easier to access a gym and they don't care about people with tattoos. I just want to tone everything up basically. I remember doing this in uni and once I got to the rhythm of it, I enjoyed it. So, going to try to do that. Everyone knows I'm a blob so I'll start going at least once a week and see where I go from there lol.

I have some plans for this year, as of now, it can go it two directions. Ill keep you guys posted and let you know what will happen. I'll be leaving Japan at the end of March. It's crazy but I'm excited to go back to the states and figure out what I'll be doing next. Hope you guys have a great 2018.