Wednesday, December 30, 2015

end of the year.

So here's to another end of the year post. Tbh, the beginning of the year seems so far away. I can only remember the big achievements which is me finally graduating with my undergrad, working hard to find a job after to college to save up for Japan, and looking for a job in Japan and finding one. Those were my biggest achievements and I can't help but look back fondly on this year.

I know there were several downs. I remember missing Japan like crazy, having so much trouble adjusting with my parents, even now. And, the mess that happened with J and the drama with the office ladies at work.

However, regardless of this I believe this year was overall a good year. I am so happy that I worked hard to achieve my goal of living in Japan and it will soon be a reality.

I was able to do more shoots this year, which was what I wanted. Again, my parents not supporting my modeling hindered it but I'm still proud of the shoots I did and how much I've grown from when I first started modeling. And so blessed with talented photographers I worked with and will be working with.

I've met a lot of shit people, but I've also met some really great people who I genuinely care about. And that definitely outweighs the bad far more. I've made some good connections, and even when the thing with J turned sour I'm still grateful for what I have learned from the experience and how I was able to learn more about myself as a person because of it.

I've made some amazing memories this year. Going on a road trip with my younger sister, seeing Blink-182, Metal Night at the Observatory was amazing, probably one of my favorite nights. And a big highlight of the year was meeting my friend Thomas for the first time and hanging out. Things definitely became better with myself once I quit.

Some things I've learned during the year of 2015 and some advice for 2016:
Always trust your gut instinct. If you have a feeling, it is probably right. Do not ignore it. Give yourself more credit and trust yourself. Listen to that initial gut instinct and I promise you, you will be glad you did.
Some people are just shit, and unfortunately nothing can change that. It sucks, but some people are just petty and hateful. Some people don't need an excuse to be a horrible human being, they just are. So don't be so hung up over it, don't let it get to you, and just brush it off. They aren't worth it. 
You are not stupid for trying to see the good in a person. It's unfortunate that being loving, trusting, and giving people the benefit of the doubt is seen as weak. It is not. For you to be able to give any bit of yourself to someone and trust them despite the chances of them being able to break you, is strong. But once you see the person for how they really are be strong enough to walk away. Whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship, toxic relationships will eat you away. 
Learn to value yourself more. I've said this before and I'll say it again, you're worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Did you not learn this last yearDo not settle. I understand you have problems, everyone does. Your problems do not make you any less of a person and you still deserve the best that's for you. You're getting better, and it's great but my love, I promise you if you just loved yourself a bit more and put a bit more value on yourself, you'd be so much happier. 
Do not be so hard on yourself. You're bound to make mistakes. Again, that doesn't mean you're any less of a person. Sometimes you will make stupid decisions, don't give yourself so much crap. Learn from it. And sometimes shitty things will happen and it has nothing to do with your actions. It doesn't always have to be your fault so let it go, and learn. You giving yourself so much shit doesn't do anything. You learning from it does.

I am confident that I'm going to make the most out of this upcoming year. Big changes are coming and I know it's going to be exciting but also hard. But I'm going to keep my head up and work hard to live the life I want and become more of the person I want to be.

Friday, December 25, 2015

last christmas.

Christmas this year was actually pretty lovely. Since it was going to our last Christmas together as a family we decided to try to do fun things, well my older sister did. I'm moving to Japan, my little sister is going to grad school and my older sister is trying to get a place of her own with her husband. It's crazy how quickly time goes by, and how quickly we each begin our lives.

As usual, we celebrated on Christmas eve with a Christmas eve dinner, afterwards we went to go see the lights on Thoroughbred which is a street that the houses go all out with decorating their homes. It wasn't as good as it used to be but it was still nice.

We ended up coming home after seeing the lights and playing UNO for a good while, my parents really got into it lol. Since my parents sleep early we decided to open our presents. This was the first time in years we had presents thanks to my older sister wanting to do a Secret Santa. It was really nice.

We ended up going to sleep pretty early. I stayed up to talk to my friend Frosting though, his birthday was Christmas Day and I wanted to wish him a happy birthday and talk to him because we haven't really talked since I quit working.

Christmas morning was nice, me and my younger sister came down to my older sister and her husband in the kitchen, and my mom cooking papas con chorizo which is one of my favorite dishes.

We made gingerbread cookies that my older sister bought at Disneyland, they were Mickey gingerbread cookies. It was pretty sloppy with the frosting but it turned out cute overall and delicious.

My parents went to church and me and my little sister stayed home and watched a movie, The Longest Ride. We randomly stumbled across it, and it ended up being a beautiful movie.

It was good family time. Something we hadn't had during the holidays in a good while. This was probably one of the best Christmases we had together. A good way to end the year.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015


Saturday, December 20th
Part II

After the shoot we were going out to LA so I could show Thomas my favorite spot in SoCal: the Griffith Observatory. I fell in love with it ever since my friend Derek took me and I firmly believe this is a place everyone who visits LA should go to. Not only do you see the Hollywood sign but you also get to see the view of downtown LA. It's really beautiful.

We first ate indian food when we got to LA because we were starving. The food was amazing, it was just a random pick but it was a good choice. Afterwards we went to the observatory.

It was unfortunately raining so when we first got there we couldn't see downtown LA because of the fog but it was still nice. We went inside the observatory so he could see all the cool space stuff. I love space things so it was really fun for me.

Afterward we saw everything inside we were about to head out but I wanted to see if we could try to see the view again and it was a good call. The fog cleared up and Thomas was able to see downtown LA and see the skyline in all it's glory. He loved it.

Afterwards we headed back to Ontario and chilled at his hotel for a bit watching metalcore videos as he drank beer. It was a good day.

Monday, December 21, 2015

I don't mind you under my skin, I'll let the bad parts in.

Saturday, December 20th
Part I

Saturday I woke up and went to Thomas's hotel. He wanted to shoot something chill so we just shot in his hotel room. The wardrobe was simple as well, cropped shirt, underwear, and a snapback. He wanted to shoot in band stuff so I brought the coldrain shirt he got me for a late birthday present.

I was really happy to shoot with Thomas and do a shoot a bit different than what I usually do. His work is awesome, especially his video stuff so check it out!

Instagram: @thomashelvenstine
Vimeo: T H • V I S U A L S

Sunday, December 20, 2015

hipster joints & metalcore concerts.

Friday, December 19, 2015

My friend, Thomas came out to California to visit. We were going to do a shoot and go to a concert of Coldrain, it was also a plus that Northlane and Volumes were performing.

We left my house around 12:30pm to go to Orange County and chill there for a bit before the concert began. I wanted to take him to the Anaheim Packing District because it looked cool and heard it had some good food.

Sure enough, it looked awesome and pretty hipster. We went to the Hammer bar and had a couple drinks. The drinks tasted great, we were going to drink more but decided to get some food. We ate some lemon pepper chicken wings which were a tad oily but so flavorful!

And of course, we needed to get the famous popbar popsicles. It was definitely worth the hype. The bars were so milky and thick. I had green tea with waffle cone and I forgot what else, the girl suggested it would taste like a green tea kitkat and she was right, it was bomb.

After we explored the place a bit more me and Thomas decided to go to the venue and just chill. He wanted to see if he could get a chance to talk to one of his friends in the band before the show and sure enough he did. It was nice to see how happy he was catching up with his friend.

We talked for a bit and he even offered to get us on the guest list but unfortunately is was full. It was alright because the venue was small anyways. After they caught up we went back to my truck and sat at the back of it while Thomas smoked and we just talked.

It was eventually time for the show and it was great. The local band that first opened wasn't my cup of tea but the rest of the bands were great. Coldrain sounded amazing as always and I was glad that the crowd was feeling them.

We watched the other bands and bought some merchandise and Thomas caught up with more friends. We actually ended up leaving a bit early because we were tired and hungry so we went to In-N-Out. I needed Thomas to try In-N-Out, it's very Californian.

Sure enough, he really liked it. It's either a hit or miss with In-N-Out with people. It's mostly a hit though. We ended up driving home listening to coldrain's new album on the way back.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Finding Neverland.

Fo several years I wanted to watch Finding Neverland but never did because my older sister told me I wouldn't like it because it wasn't going to be like Peter Pan 2003 and that I'd probably find it boring. Maybe she would have been right, since I was younger then, but then again, at that time I loved movies like The Color Purple.

Anyways, I finally watched it. And I'll admit that it probably is one of my favorite movies. The reason for this is because it's magical. No, it not magical like Peter Pan but it has it's own sort of magic and shows that our world can be just as magical as Neverland.

This movie is about how JM Barrie came to make Neverland, and it means so much more to know the concept behind it and gives you a bigger appreciation for Peter Pan as a whole.

Peter Davies: "This is absurd. He's just a dog."
J.M. Barrie: "Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's just a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, 'He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man', or 'That's not a diamond, it's just a rock.' Just." 
Finding Neverland 

Saturday, December 12, 2015

The last graduate.

Today was my baby sis's graduation ceremony. She technically doesn't graduate till spring but she decided to walk in the winter so she could be with her friends and so I could see her walk since I wouldn't be here in the spring.

She graduated with cum laude with a BS in Kinesiology. I am so proud of her and her boyfriend Jesse. After the ceremony we went to BJs, both of the families and ate together. It was fun.

Time is going by quickly and the more time goes by, the more everybody seems to be going on with their own lives. Many things are coming, big changes are happening, I'm just looking forward to what's in store.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Last day of work.

Yesterday was my last day at work. It was pretty bittersweet. I met some really cool people at my job that I really care about but there was also a lot of shit from the office ladies in the back. It all comes down to pettiness and jealousy but these women are 30+ and they act like high school girls.

I know it's because they have nothing better to do with their time and they hate their lives so they need to talk shit on other people and at first I didn't let it get to me but there is only so much negativity a person can take, especially at their work environment.

Also, of course the J situation wasn't helping. He would act bipolar, sometimes chill and sometimes a complete dick. It was annoying to deal with at work. And my good friend Tina also left because of problems with people there was I was pretty much alone.

I was lucky to have enough money saved up for Japan since I was saving ever since I came back from Japan so money isn't an issue thankfully. I talked to my friends and family about it and decided to quit.

I met the new girls and they were so fun and nice and sweet. They wanted me to stay and I kinda wanted to stay too but I knew I would regret it. I needed to move on.

I wonder what the next few months have in store for me, hopefully good things. I know the time will go by quickly. Getting rid of the negativity and only keeping positive shit in my life.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Affliction Metal Night.

My friend Mauricio wanted to take me to a metal concert with some of his favorite bands. I'm always down to listen to new bands and it's been a while since I've been to a concert.

It was probably one of the best concerts I've been to. I loved all the bands except for Suffokate to be honest. My favorite was probably As Blood Runs Black and of course Suicide Silence.

I forgot how much I loved going to shows. The atmosphere is always so much fun, and makes me get in a good mood. I love seeing people enjoy the music and moshing and just doing stupid shit.

And the bands sounded amazing live. I honestly forgot how much I loved going to metal shows. This really was a good night.

And of course, In N Out made it even better.

Friday, December 4, 2015

See you soon 日本!

Now for the news, those of you on Instagram already know but, I have accepted a teaching job in Japan for next spring. I am really excited to be going back.

The teaching job will be in Chichibu in Saitama prefecture, very much 田舎 where I have to drive and everything but I don't mind. I've lived the city life, and though I did enjoy it I feel like it would be nice to see another side to Japan. Whether I'll like it or not, who knows but it's an experience that I'm sure I'll learn a lot from.

It's not too far from Tokyo so I'll be able to come out and chill with friends on the weekends as well.

I hope that by living in the more rural area my Japanese will improve. It has decreased so much because I haven't been using it or studying. I need to make sure it doesn't go away.

Anyways, I will be leaving March 29th and will be in Tokyo for a few days to meet up with friend and what not before I get settled into Saitama. I'm extremely excited.

I also put in my 2 weeks notice at work and my last day is Wednesday. I am going to spend the remainder of my time with friends and family and being around positive people because honestly, who knows when I'll be back.

Still need to catch you guys up with several things but this was the biggest.
See you soon 日本!

Thursday, December 3, 2015


I don't want to be your cigarette 
I don't want to be your ashtray 
I don't want to be your door mat 
'Don't want to be ignored 
All o' sudden you're not into me
And maybe it's not deliberate 
And I know you never asked me 
I just gotta put it out there
I don't put myself out there
Usually I stay tucked away

Cause I was a loner until I met you 
And I let you in after all the persuasion 
Mind games, manipulations. 

That's why I'd rather be a loner 
Yeah I'd rather be alone 
I don't even want to know ya 
I don't want to be known 
Cause I'd rather be a loner 
I'd much rather be alone 
Baby it was nice to know ya 
Packing up and leaving home.

Some songs say the things you couldn't.