Saturday, October 24, 2015

i've got thick skin & an elastic heart.



Photography by mmmtangerine

So my loves, needless to say, things didn't work out with J. He ended up being a possessive, insecure, lying asshole. I mean, we're still cool at work but dating wise, fuck that lol. 

It's funny because when things don't work out with guys the girl tends to put the blame on herself, wondering things like, "What did I do wrong?", "Was I not good enough?", "Maybe if I did this instead?"

At first I seriously thought that shit, and I wondered how I got myself into this shitty situation with a guy that lied for no reason other than just because he could. It was suppose to be easy and he made it complicated. He was the first guy that I liked in a while which was what bothered me the most. But there were so many red flags that I shouldn't have ignored.

It's been a cool minute since we've ended things, and I'm getting back into the groove of things. Trying to keep myself occupied and being focused on myself. 

Surprisingly, even though shit didn't end too well with J, I'm not as jaded as I was before. I'm just brushing it off and learning from it and actually being positive because there was nothing I could've done differently. I was up front and honest from beginning to end. I've realized I've come a long way.

I did a shoot today with @mmmtangerine, which made me feel amazing to be in my own skin. I'm constantly battling with myself, I am extremely insecure about my body, my face, everything. But I shoot to feel good about myself. Sometimes it's good to be reminded you don't need anyone's validation other than your own.

And I want it and I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let's be clear, I trust no one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

Sunday, October 18, 2015

One of the better ones.



Yesterday after work I hung out with Tina and Frosting. We went to eat dinner at BJs and caught up on what was going on in life, mostly love lives lol. We decided we didn't want the night to end so we wanted to go out to a bar.

We all went home to get ready and Frosting came to pick me up at my house and then we went to get Tina. We pre-gamed in the car by buying liquor at a gas station close by. Since Frosting was driving me and Tina were the only ones drinking.

We drove to downtown Upland were we chilled in the car and drank out drinks and talked some more. We went to the bar which was pretty chill. It had pool tables and a dance floor so you could dance if you wanted to or just chill.

We ended up dancing. They played good music. It was fun just dancing with Frosting and Tina. This was something both me and Tina needed. We needed to go out and have fun and get our mind of things and feel good about ourselves.

Afterwards we dropped Tina off home because she was tired. I didn't want to go home yet, so Frosting took me to the mountain we went to last time. It was definitely better this time. We talked about personal shit and just enjoyed the view with music playing in the background.

It was a great choice to go there. It felt like the perfect way to end the night. This night was one of the better ones.

Friday, October 16, 2015

all about mindset.

It's been a while since I'd seen any of my Orange County friends and lately the only people I've been hanging out with are friends from work. Which is cool, they're cool people. But the thing is, people from the IE tend to lack goals, dreams, ambitions, or sometimes even an education. Most of the people from the IE stay in the IE, and they don't have a problem with it.

That's fine, everyone has their own thing when it comes to what they want out of life but I know I wouldn't be satisfied staying here. Most of the time people applaud the fact that I want to do something different and go to Japan, other however think me going to Japan is a fantasy kinda thing.

So it was nice to meet up with my friend Jenny again out in Orange County and remind myself what I'm aiming for. And to remind myself that it's all about the mindset of the people you hang out with that ends up playing a factor in shaping your own.

My hometown has this effect of leaving me feeling like I'm in a rut. But luckily, everything is going on track. I'm going out here and there with friends and still am able to save a good amount of money for Japan.

I hung out with Jenny last weekend. It was nice. We ate sushi and talked for several hours about our lives. I miss Orange County. I miss my uni life (though definitely not the work load).

Work can be draining at times, but for the most part I enjoy it and am lucky it's so chill. I'm slowly getting closer to my goals. Before we know it, it's going to be November. Crazy.